In order to win back the loyalty of Rickki Sixx, at his request, decided to play music from a list of his preferred music.
This list was sent to me in a letter that included a threat. This is how the letter went.
Super Dave,
I can appreciate the fact that you are trying to break back into the world of blog.
Even though you left your readers high and dry for many months, I, as a loyal friend and relative have continued to check in periodically to see if you have made any recent attempts to entertain the masses.
To my dissapointment, the writing has been shotty and the music is so bad that I can't help but to throw up in my mouth every time I open your page.
If you want to keep me around any longer you will play the music from my list for the next three days.
Here is my list:
Iron Man by Black Sabbath
I never Dreamed from Zach Wylde's band Black Label society
Mr. Crowley by Ozzy
and Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter Paul and Mary.
If you do not play this list I will never come back. Not only will I never come back but I will command my family to black ball your site. That's right Super Dave, that would pretty much eliminate all of your readers dude.
Love,
Rick
So at Rick's Request, here it is.
I apologise in advance for the Peter Paul and Mary.
I had no choice.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Demasculanization of Society:Part 2
Last Friday we went to a Christmas party at church. It was a nice program, good dinner, a talent show, some music, and Santa.
My little family and I sat down near some friends and sat back and enjoyed the show while eating.
At one point a singing group from the local High school performed. A couple of girls from the church were in the group and though I'm not really into that kind of stuff, admit that I enjoyed it for the first 15 seconds. That is until I noticed one of the boys in the group. There was this boy prancing around with purple highlights in his hair, femininity radiating so strongly that the girls in the group seemed to morph into men.
My gaydar went off so loud that I actually looked around to see if any one else heard it.
I started to feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to stand up and yell; "Holy Crap, am I the only one who just noticed that there is a homo in Wyoming?"
I looked down the table for my friend Todd. His gaydar had to have gone off, he would have to be looking around.
To my disappointment he was just sitting there acting like he was enjoying the show.
I looked down and noticed that his wife was holding the handle of a fork that was embedded into Todd's left hand pinning it to the table.
I could see that the snooze button had been pushed on Todd's gaydar alarm.
I looked across the table at one of more masculine of the two missionaries. Nothing.
I looked over at my wife thinking surely she would have some sort of 'gaydar by association' just from being my wife.
Perhaps it went off on her and she would appreciate one of my comments.
I was wrong,I could clearly see that she was enjoying the show without prejudice.
There I was left to my own thoughts and designs.
These are my thoughts:
How could this happen? In the past 15 years there has been such a radical change in society that it is now popular for Tinkerbell to flutter his delicate wings out into society and yell: "I'm gaaay and you have to accept it asth normal or you are violating my thivil righths!"
How did this happen?
My new theory?
Cartoons and children's shows.
What the heck happened to good cartoons? When I was a kid we had He-Man now it's Pokey-Man. Enough said.
When I was a kid We had Sesame Street, that show was hard core, I mean they taught you street skills like how to steel Cookies like a monster, how to count with a vampire, and Play with grouchy dudes that lived in trash cans. Sure Burt and Ernie were gay but they kept it in the closet.
Now kids have the fricken 'Wiggles' I mean come on! There is nothing gayer than a bunch of British dudes dancing around with a fricken octopus. Captain Feathersword? What the crap? Yeah that's pretty darn gay in my book.
When I was a kid we had Transformers. Robots that turned into cars and guns that killed each other. Thats masculine!
Now kids have Sponge Bob square pants. Oh yeah, nothing like a sponge eating crabby patties to raise the testosterone levels.
When I was a boy we had shows like The Fall Guy, a stuntman that moonlighted as a bounty hunter with a secret compartment in the bed of his truck.
We had the A-Team, a team of crack commandos who were convicted of a crime that they didn't commit. If someone was in trouble the A-Team showed up with Mr.T and welded some badass invention together and beat the crap out of the bad guys.
I remember as a kid dreaming about being the fall guy or one of the A-Team.
Now kids get to watch shows like Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the straight Guy.
There isn't a TV show on today that doesn't have a queer part.
I fricken can't stand it.
Lifetime Television for women should have its name changed to Lifetime Television for homosexuals and Lesbians.
I'm to the point that I don't even think I'll let my boy watch TV unless its a sporting event or the outdoor channel.
I know what you are thinking, Dave has so much masculinity in his blood that his kid could watch Queer Eye for the straight guy all day every day and still define manhood, and you are probably right but my manliness is an exception to the rules.
All of these borderline "bicurios" kids are almost shoved over the fence to Sodom and Gomorrah by the Reverend Jesse Jackson and the Rainbow push coalition.
I seriously didn't watch the show King of Queens for the first year of it's airing because I thought it was about homosexuals.
Ladies and Gentlemen homosexuality is not a civil rights issue it is a wicked practice.
Turn off the television shows that teach homosexuality as a norm and turn on wholesome entertainment like Ultimate Fighting.
Let us all band together and Remasculanate society.
My little family and I sat down near some friends and sat back and enjoyed the show while eating.
At one point a singing group from the local High school performed. A couple of girls from the church were in the group and though I'm not really into that kind of stuff, admit that I enjoyed it for the first 15 seconds. That is until I noticed one of the boys in the group. There was this boy prancing around with purple highlights in his hair, femininity radiating so strongly that the girls in the group seemed to morph into men.
My gaydar went off so loud that I actually looked around to see if any one else heard it.
I started to feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to stand up and yell; "Holy Crap, am I the only one who just noticed that there is a homo in Wyoming?"
I looked down the table for my friend Todd. His gaydar had to have gone off, he would have to be looking around.
To my disappointment he was just sitting there acting like he was enjoying the show.
I looked down and noticed that his wife was holding the handle of a fork that was embedded into Todd's left hand pinning it to the table.
I could see that the snooze button had been pushed on Todd's gaydar alarm.
I looked across the table at one of more masculine of the two missionaries. Nothing.
I looked over at my wife thinking surely she would have some sort of 'gaydar by association' just from being my wife.
Perhaps it went off on her and she would appreciate one of my comments.
I was wrong,I could clearly see that she was enjoying the show without prejudice.
There I was left to my own thoughts and designs.
These are my thoughts:
How could this happen? In the past 15 years there has been such a radical change in society that it is now popular for Tinkerbell to flutter his delicate wings out into society and yell: "I'm gaaay and you have to accept it asth normal or you are violating my thivil righths!"
How did this happen?
My new theory?
Cartoons and children's shows.
What the heck happened to good cartoons? When I was a kid we had He-Man now it's Pokey-Man. Enough said.
When I was a kid We had Sesame Street, that show was hard core, I mean they taught you street skills like how to steel Cookies like a monster, how to count with a vampire, and Play with grouchy dudes that lived in trash cans. Sure Burt and Ernie were gay but they kept it in the closet.
Now kids have the fricken 'Wiggles' I mean come on! There is nothing gayer than a bunch of British dudes dancing around with a fricken octopus. Captain Feathersword? What the crap? Yeah that's pretty darn gay in my book.
When I was a kid we had Transformers. Robots that turned into cars and guns that killed each other. Thats masculine!
Now kids have Sponge Bob square pants. Oh yeah, nothing like a sponge eating crabby patties to raise the testosterone levels.
When I was a boy we had shows like The Fall Guy, a stuntman that moonlighted as a bounty hunter with a secret compartment in the bed of his truck.
We had the A-Team, a team of crack commandos who were convicted of a crime that they didn't commit. If someone was in trouble the A-Team showed up with Mr.T and welded some badass invention together and beat the crap out of the bad guys.
I remember as a kid dreaming about being the fall guy or one of the A-Team.
Now kids get to watch shows like Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the straight Guy.
There isn't a TV show on today that doesn't have a queer part.
I fricken can't stand it.
Lifetime Television for women should have its name changed to Lifetime Television for homosexuals and Lesbians.
I'm to the point that I don't even think I'll let my boy watch TV unless its a sporting event or the outdoor channel.
I know what you are thinking, Dave has so much masculinity in his blood that his kid could watch Queer Eye for the straight guy all day every day and still define manhood, and you are probably right but my manliness is an exception to the rules.
All of these borderline "bicurios" kids are almost shoved over the fence to Sodom and Gomorrah by the Reverend Jesse Jackson and the Rainbow push coalition.
I seriously didn't watch the show King of Queens for the first year of it's airing because I thought it was about homosexuals.
Ladies and Gentlemen homosexuality is not a civil rights issue it is a wicked practice.
Turn off the television shows that teach homosexuality as a norm and turn on wholesome entertainment like Ultimate Fighting.
Let us all band together and Remasculanate society.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Master Cleanse: Day 7 ,8,9 &10
Day 7: I've got to admit wasn't hungry any more but pretty weak
Day 8: My wife told me that My eyes looked sunken in and my face was pale. Other than being extremely tired I was doing ok.
Day 9: I decided that I needed to reintroduce food back into my system slowly so I ate a banana and a granola bar during the day oh and a whopper Jr last night.
Day 10: Today is going to be my big eating day so I will eat a little until a big dinner.
Day 8: My wife told me that My eyes looked sunken in and my face was pale. Other than being extremely tired I was doing ok.
Day 9: I decided that I needed to reintroduce food back into my system slowly so I ate a banana and a granola bar during the day oh and a whopper Jr last night.
Day 10: Today is going to be my big eating day so I will eat a little until a big dinner.
Today will wrap up my master cleanse.
I'll have to admit, I do feel better today than I did a week ago. I'm not as hungry and feel a little lighter on my feet.
I quit caffeine about three days before master cleanse, and to be honest I really don't crave it any more. That may not seem like much but If you were familiar with my daily caffeine intake it puts thing into perspective.
So here I am decaffeinated, and to be perfectly honest, I'm happier and feel better.
I don't think I'm as edgy and I don't think about punching people all the time.
Perhaps there is something to that.
I don't know If I will ever fully endorse master cleanse because It's a chick diet.
I will endorse it for the fact that I think it flushes your system and I think its a good way to kick some bad habits.
I also think that sometimes we get sloppy with our eating and overdue it to the point that we loose control. This kind of gives that control back.
That is if you are man enough to do it.
Oh yeah,
I quit my job at the king and went back to my old engineering firm an begged for my job back. After a few tears were shed they welcomed me with open arms.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Master Cleanse Day 4,5 & 6
OK, This is where I'm at.
Day 4: Cindy, Zach, Allie and I went to Billings to do a little Christmas shopping.
That was the hardest day so far. I cheated a little bit by eating two single french fries, a gold fish, a bite of a chicken nugget and an m&M.
I think it evened out because I didn't drink the full 2 quarts of master cleanse. I also got home late and didn't do the salt water turd explosion method.
Day 5: It was fast Sunday so I ended up not eating or drinking anything. I was so dang hungry. At the end of the day I drank a little master cleanse but again I skipped the salt water turd expulsion.
Day 6: I'm back to the regular master cleanse my first glass I decided to leave out the Cayenne pepper, I mean what the heck is Cayenne supposed to do?
My second glass will contain Cayenne, and I will flush tonight.
SO I haven't been religious in following master cleanse to the T but I think I doing pretty damn good.
I've lost 12 pounds as of this morning and will go 100% mastercleanse tomorrow.
I've noticed that I am not my usual pleasant self, about an hour ago some lady ordered a bacon whopper with cheese on it. After receiving her order she sat down, ate half the sandwich and returned to the counter complaining that she didn't want cheese on it, and that she wanted a new burger.
I told her that I specifically remembered her ordering cheese and that she wasn't going to get another burger.
The lady called me a "Cracker redneck" and asked for my manager.
I told her that I didn't have a manager, took her burger, opened the bun and began to peal the cheese off the burger with my fingers. She started to say something and I looked up, grabbed her by the throat and said: "YOU WILL BE SILENT WHILE I FIX YOUR BURGER!"
I let go of her throat and she just stood there frozen in horror. I noticed a tear trickle from her eye as I continued to pick the cheese from the burger.
After I got most of the cheese off of the burger I grabbed the patty and wiped any remaining cheese off with my armpit. I then placed the patty back on the burger, put the lettuce back on and covered it with the top bun.
I then neatly wrapped the burger and handed it to her.
She was still in shock as I told her: "Thank for coming to Burger King, Home of the Whopper."
As she turned around and began walking away I said in a whisper:"Lady, If you ever tell anyone about this I will find you and hurt you. Nod if you understand."
She nodded and walked away.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mood.
Day 4: Cindy, Zach, Allie and I went to Billings to do a little Christmas shopping.
That was the hardest day so far. I cheated a little bit by eating two single french fries, a gold fish, a bite of a chicken nugget and an m&M.
I think it evened out because I didn't drink the full 2 quarts of master cleanse. I also got home late and didn't do the salt water turd explosion method.
Day 5: It was fast Sunday so I ended up not eating or drinking anything. I was so dang hungry. At the end of the day I drank a little master cleanse but again I skipped the salt water turd expulsion.
Day 6: I'm back to the regular master cleanse my first glass I decided to leave out the Cayenne pepper, I mean what the heck is Cayenne supposed to do?
My second glass will contain Cayenne, and I will flush tonight.
SO I haven't been religious in following master cleanse to the T but I think I doing pretty damn good.
I've lost 12 pounds as of this morning and will go 100% mastercleanse tomorrow.
I've noticed that I am not my usual pleasant self, about an hour ago some lady ordered a bacon whopper with cheese on it. After receiving her order she sat down, ate half the sandwich and returned to the counter complaining that she didn't want cheese on it, and that she wanted a new burger.
I told her that I specifically remembered her ordering cheese and that she wasn't going to get another burger.
The lady called me a "Cracker redneck" and asked for my manager.
I told her that I didn't have a manager, took her burger, opened the bun and began to peal the cheese off the burger with my fingers. She started to say something and I looked up, grabbed her by the throat and said: "YOU WILL BE SILENT WHILE I FIX YOUR BURGER!"
I let go of her throat and she just stood there frozen in horror. I noticed a tear trickle from her eye as I continued to pick the cheese from the burger.
After I got most of the cheese off of the burger I grabbed the patty and wiped any remaining cheese off with my armpit. I then placed the patty back on the burger, put the lettuce back on and covered it with the top bun.
I then neatly wrapped the burger and handed it to her.
She was still in shock as I told her: "Thank for coming to Burger King, Home of the Whopper."
As she turned around and began walking away I said in a whisper:"Lady, If you ever tell anyone about this I will find you and hurt you. Nod if you understand."
She nodded and walked away.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mood.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Master Cleanse: Day 3
Last night I think that I finally reached the Master Cleanse "mecca" or "nirvana" and finally crapped lemonade.
No longer will I sit in ranks with the rest of you, and of the free clogged boweled world. (Yes ladies and gentlemen my bowel is no longer hindered with the smelly peanut filled fecal matter that the rest of you turd banks have to carry on a daily basis.)
Does this make me better and cleaner than you?
Yes it does.
If someone were to tell me that I am full of crap, I can reply, "Well, actually I'm not, I'm full of lemonade."
Can you do that?
I don't think so.
Do your farts smell like lemonade?
Mine do.
In fact I don't even fart any more but if I did I'd bet a dollar that it would smell like lemonade.
Am I hungry?
I don't even know how to explain my hunger without using the F-word, so I won't. Needless to say, I am hungry very hungry.
I apologise for the insanity but that is the price you pay for a clean engine.
Ive got burgers to flip.
hasta burrito.
No longer will I sit in ranks with the rest of you, and of the free clogged boweled world. (Yes ladies and gentlemen my bowel is no longer hindered with the smelly peanut filled fecal matter that the rest of you turd banks have to carry on a daily basis.)
Does this make me better and cleaner than you?
Yes it does.
If someone were to tell me that I am full of crap, I can reply, "Well, actually I'm not, I'm full of lemonade."
Can you do that?
I don't think so.
Do your farts smell like lemonade?
Mine do.
In fact I don't even fart any more but if I did I'd bet a dollar that it would smell like lemonade.
Am I hungry?
I don't even know how to explain my hunger without using the F-word, so I won't. Needless to say, I am hungry very hungry.
I apologise for the insanity but that is the price you pay for a clean engine.
Ive got burgers to flip.
hasta burrito.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Master Cleanse: Day 2
Well I have completed a full day and am nearly done with day two. Last night I got pretty hungry. I went and wrestled for a while with some of my young men and felt a little weak.
On the way home I wanted badly to stop somewhere and buy something to eat but I didn't.
After arriving home I realised it was time for the dreaded 32 oz saltwater slam. I mixed my tablespoon of saltwater with the 32 oz of water and slammed it like a case of Old Milwaukee.
about 30 minutes after the saltwater bonging, I felt a slight rumble and sure enough, I got my happy ending.
Thats fricken messed up. What normal person slams 32 ounces of salt water?
That can't be healthy.
Today hasn't been too bad.
Early on, Conlin from my office brought me some jerky. I actually felt bad about turning him down.
I decided to do some research on this colon cleansing phenomenon by searching the internet. I would suggest not doing any internet research. You wouldn't believe how many people take pictures of their fecal matter in the name of colon cleansing.
I opened one page as my boss walked in and it was a picture of some lady dangling a long stringy turd on a stick.
There was kind of an awkward silence for a minute as my boss got up the nerve to fire me.
I am typing this from the computer at Burger King, which by the way smells absolutely delicious.
By the way I lost 5 lbs yesterday.
On the way home I wanted badly to stop somewhere and buy something to eat but I didn't.
After arriving home I realised it was time for the dreaded 32 oz saltwater slam. I mixed my tablespoon of saltwater with the 32 oz of water and slammed it like a case of Old Milwaukee.
about 30 minutes after the saltwater bonging, I felt a slight rumble and sure enough, I got my happy ending.
Thats fricken messed up. What normal person slams 32 ounces of salt water?
That can't be healthy.
Today hasn't been too bad.
Early on, Conlin from my office brought me some jerky. I actually felt bad about turning him down.
I decided to do some research on this colon cleansing phenomenon by searching the internet. I would suggest not doing any internet research. You wouldn't believe how many people take pictures of their fecal matter in the name of colon cleansing.
I opened one page as my boss walked in and it was a picture of some lady dangling a long stringy turd on a stick.
There was kind of an awkward silence for a minute as my boss got up the nerve to fire me.
I am typing this from the computer at Burger King, which by the way smells absolutely delicious.
By the way I lost 5 lbs yesterday.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Master Cleanse: Day 1
Master Cleanse, Have you heard of it? You mix Lemon juice, Cayenne pepper, and Maple syrup into a delicious drink and you live off of it for two weeks.
You get 2 liters of the crap and you drink a bunch of water during the day and at night you drink a liter of saltwater and crap your guts out.
Sounds awesome huh?
My little bro was telling me about it and, well after a heavy Thanksgiving, I've decided to give it a shot.
My goal it to make it 10 days. My little bro only made it three.
Iv'e decided to keep a journal of my experience.
Day 1
So far this master cleanse isn't so bad. The drink is really good and is really taking care of any hunger pains.
I've had to pee at least 75 times today, luckily for me, I really enjoy peeing.
Though I'm looking forward to having a clean colon, I'm not looking forward to the saltwater flush later tonight.
Monte, a guy that I work with keeps coming in and offering me chips and candy. I just smile and brag on my will power.
While using the restroom I found a penny on the floor next to the urinal. After a little work, I got it unstuck from the floor and put it in my pocket.
I can tell this master cleanse will bring me much more luck in the future.
You get 2 liters of the crap and you drink a bunch of water during the day and at night you drink a liter of saltwater and crap your guts out.
Sounds awesome huh?
My little bro was telling me about it and, well after a heavy Thanksgiving, I've decided to give it a shot.
My goal it to make it 10 days. My little bro only made it three.
Iv'e decided to keep a journal of my experience.
Day 1
So far this master cleanse isn't so bad. The drink is really good and is really taking care of any hunger pains.
I've had to pee at least 75 times today, luckily for me, I really enjoy peeing.
Though I'm looking forward to having a clean colon, I'm not looking forward to the saltwater flush later tonight.
Monte, a guy that I work with keeps coming in and offering me chips and candy. I just smile and brag on my will power.
While using the restroom I found a penny on the floor next to the urinal. After a little work, I got it unstuck from the floor and put it in my pocket.
I can tell this master cleanse will bring me much more luck in the future.
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